Lots of people are talking about relationships these days. There are plenty of examples of fresh, new thinking about how we build, nurture and maintain relationships. We have more tools than ever before at our disposal to help us connect, communicate and grow as humans. Yet we are still intent on placing labels on everything, and on listening to the voices of a few rather than the collective thoughts of the many.

Stick a label on it, shove it in a box. Labels are a bit of a Catch-22, aren’t they? On the one hand, I hate them. It’s like fitting things into cramped little boxes. She’s a Community Builder. That guy’s a Thought Leader (cringe). We always try to define the role.

On the other hand, labels help us to understand the context of what someone brings to the table. After all, we’ve got to call it something, don’t we (do we)? So in terms of context alone, labels can be a good thing. It’s when we get tied to our labels that we tread into dangerous territory.

What someone does, what they are known for, is a direct result of the impact they have on the people around them. People are perceived as being something, and from that point on, they are only associated with being that thing. She’s a social media superstar. He’s a published author. She’s a television host. The perception of the person is suddenly only as a representation of their label.

Cuz We’ve Got…Personality, Personality. In the media biz, we call anyone who is in front of the microphone or camera, a “personality”. Who that person is when they are in the spotlight becomes what people perceive as who that person really is in their “real life”.

I’ve spent 20 years working in media. I am friends with plenty of “personalities”. They are people who are, in some cases, firmly planted in the spotlight of their various niches. I am not, and never have been a name dropper. But I get frustrated sometimes, because I’d like to be able to talk about my friends, the things I learn from them, the fun we’ve had, and so on. But even talking about them in this context, without mentioning their names, feels like name dropping.

I’ve never befriended someone just because they are famous or popular. (In fact, I know plenty of famous people who are jerks.) I befriend people because I like them, because we make a connection with each other. I don’t care if they can’t walk down the street or into a big event without getting attention. It’s actually sort of uncomfortable for me, as I’m naturally shy. Being the person that’s standing next to the guy or girl with the crowd of people around him makes me feel downright foolish sometimes. “You’re with so and so? Oh, you must be popular too!” Sigh. Hide me now.

I’ve never been the famous one. Heck, I’ve rarely been the popular one! (I definitely wasn’t in high school). Fame and popularity are fickle beasts. One moment you are on top of the heap. The next moment the rug’s been pulled. Ironically, many times, it’s the famous person themselves that’s doing the pulling.

That’s what’s unfair about putting people on pedestals. Suddenly, Ol’ Superstar is only known for being the popular gal or the famous guy. Who they are takes a back seat. They can’t scale, because everyone wants just  10 seconds of their time, an opinion on this, a handshake, an autograph. It becomes too much to bear, and they have to walk away, often to the disappointment of their fans.

Superstars are people too. Social media, in my opinion, has only served to exacerbate the pedestal-placing behaviour of the masses. Normal, everyday people who are just trying to put it out there, connect with people, and maybe make a buck or two while they’re at it, are having attention barfed all over them at every turn. This causes two problems. One, Ms. Popular’s message and efforts get diluted because everyone’s too busy vying for their attention to actually pay attention to the message. Two, the little guys get left behind. None of these things is intentional. They are an unfortunate by-product of a society that only wants to listen to the voices of the famous few. It’s not that the popular people don’t have relevant things to say. They do. But often their voice is echoed so loudly by their fan base, that the point is lost entirely.

I think it’s high time we brought things back down to earth. Reconnected on a human level with each other, regardless of loudness, strength, popularity or fame. Social media is the great leveller. It puts the Richard Bransons and the rest of us on the same playing field. Anyone can connect with anyone. The lines of class, status, religion, politics and culture and money are blurring more everyday.

Julien Smith asked a provocative question on his blog yesterday.

“Mass media is merging.

Personal media is splintering.

Why?”

It seems pretty cut and dry to me. Mass media thrives on the fact that the average media consumer tends to only listen to the voice of the few at the top. They push the upper crust higher and higher into the statusphere (props to @briansolis) until their lone voices permeate every medium.

Personal media by nature gives everyone a voice. Yet the very freedom it provides is its downfall. The average media consumer isn’t ready for Joe Blogger. They are only listening to those who are shouting from the rooftops. They are concerned mostly about who is popular and famous. They aren’t listening to us, even though we are dying for them to start. We simply aren’t loud enough yet.

Thing is, fame and popularity won’t go very far when the world finally wakes up and realizes that in the end, media is about telling stories. We all have them. We all want to tell them. With the playing field levelling before our eyes and media making becoming accessible to anyone, I for one am hoping that we’ll be able to out shout those loud voices and finally start to make our stories heard.

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Back in high school, there were lots of different types of people, but the people I found the most difficult to deal with were those that tried too hard and those that didn’t try hard enough.

The kid that didn’t try hard enough always got under my skin. It was mostly because he was a spoiled brat to begin with (and my parents didn’t raise no spoiled brats!). He expected something for nothing and whined and groaned to anyone who would listen if he didn’t get his way. He was always shouting and bragging and carrying on about how great he was but wasn’t interested in what anyone else had to say. He wanted a free ride to the top and he’d step on whoever he could to get there.

The kid that tried too hard, on the other hand, was even more troublesome for me. This kid was the one that was always hanging around the cool kids, but was continuously being openly ignored by the popular set. It wasn’t that she wasn’t a nice kid; it’s that she’d be constantly tripping over herself to try and fit in. She’d try to use the cool expressions, wear the cool clothes, hang out at the cool places. She thought she was doing everything right. But instead, she was trying to be someone she wasn’t. And that was not cool.

Like any community, social media attracts all kinds of people. The majority of the people I come across are genuine. Their intentions are really good. But I think that some people are not getting everything they could out of social media simply because they are either trying too hard or not trying hard enough.

How to Tell if You’re Not Trying Hard Enough
Wondering why you post on your blog every day (sometimes twice a day) and nobody shows up? Or maybe a few people do drop by, but they don’t ever leave a comment. Wonder why you follow 20,000 people on Twitter but only 300 follow you back? There’s a chance you are not trying hard enough.

Social networks only work if they work two ways. Essentially, you get out of it what you put into it. If your blog or Twitter posts are only about you promoting your latest product, or you whining and complaining about things, or you bragging about how great you are, then there’s a big problem: it’s that your posts are all about YOU. And as interesting as your life is, people are not interested in being constantly blurted to. Eventually they will give up on you.

What To Do About It
Make your social network interactions about something that people can relate to. Touch a chord. Inspire change. Raise awareness. Help other people. Most importantly, reach out to others. Ask questions, start a conversation. Don’t sit back and wait for everyone to come to you. This takes effort. It doesn’t happen overnight. It might take years. Keep reminding yourself why you are here. Then take one step at a time.

How to Tell if You’re Trying Too Hard
You’re going along, interacting with lots of important and famous people, commenting on a ton of popular blogs, reaching out on a daily basis to anyone who has more than 10,000 followers. Last week, Ms. A List blogger even posted a follow up to your comment! Yet, since then, she has outright refused to respond to any of your emails, DM’s, requests to send out links, or latest business ideas. The nerve of some people! And you thought she was your friend.

Trying to be one of the popular kids is rarely successful. It didn’t work for you in high school, honey, and it certainly isn’t going to work for you here. The reason why is simple; when you are trying to be popular, you are not being yourself.

What To Do About It
If you are using social networks to be popular, you are doing it for the wrong reason – it’s that simple. Instead, try this approach. Be real. Be yourself. Be interested in other people whether they have 50 followers or 50,000. Be interesting to other people by having real conversations about things that matter to both of you.

In The End…
We could sit around and analyze for years why certain people gain more popularity than others. Some would say it’s dumb luck. Others would say it’s because of the kind of person they are, and how they interact with and engage others. I say it’s probably a bit of both. Look, what you do with your time in this space is up to you. If you are not getting the results you want, though, seriously consider your motivation and how you might begin to see things differently.

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I don’t rant much on this blog. But I’m about to…so if you’re not in the mood, then you might as well mark this one read. If you don’t mind, though, I’m going to speak my mind on this one, because it’s bugging me. 

I’ve been noticing some disturbing trends on my travels around the Internetz lately. There seems to be a lot of scrambling going on. People seem rather preoccupied with trying to be the next, big, popular thing. Some are trying to elbow their way to the top of the blogosphere. Others are hacking together web applications faster than you can say “cloud computing”. Still others are using the number of Twitter followers they have as some kind of currency, declaring some sort of social media bankruptcy if they discover that a so-called A-lister has stopped following them. 

I sign up for one web app after another, hoping to find what it is that’s going to be new and different and great about this one. I watch as the same “Top Ten Reasons Why Your Business Should Use Social Media” fly around on people’s blogs. I sit back and watch inane, petty conversations taking place about what so and so said or whose follow list is bloated. 

Now, of course, I’m not talking about ALL blogs, ALL applications and ALL online conversations. Of course, there are still many, many excellent, amazing, thought provoking things going on – otherwise I’d have checked out long ago.

Those who know me know I’m not one to b$%tch and complain about stuff without providing something positive. 

So, to those who insist on beating a dead horse, talking in the same circles, and thinking that simply building it means people will come, I offer some positive advice. 

Be a Problem Solver. Building something just because you can is no reason to build it. Building something that 100 other people have already done is no reason to build it (Unless you know can build it far better). I see plenty of web applications around that are designed to solve problems that nobody has. Want to build the next great web application? Look around you. Find something that bugs you. Find out if it’s bugging other people too. Then build something that fixes it. 

Be Original. There are times when it’s good to be a bandwagon jumper. For instance, if someone is promoting a worthwhile charity then by all means, get on that bandwagon – shout it from the rooftops, blog about it, Retweet to your heart’s content. No worthy cause ever suffers from too much promotion and attention. HOWEVER…is there really any need to re-hash the same content over and over again? It’s fine to talk about the impact social media is having in the business world. But I want to hear your own take on it. If I want to hear what Seth has to say about it, he’s got an abundance of books and blog posts to which I can refer. Guys like Seth Godin have made their success on giving original thought to things – my bet is, you can give it a go too.

Be Real. The blogs I like to read and the people I like to talk to are the ones who I know are the same off the Web as they are on the Web. They aren’t trying to put some sort of faux image of themselves out there. They aren’t trying to be an A-lister (even though they might very well be). What they are doing is contributing something of value to the community. They are being accessible, helpful and open with people. They are being human. You’re pretty interesting, I bet. Put that persona on the shelf and just be you instead. 

Stop Trying to Be Popular. As much as I’d like to say that it’s not a popularity contest, I fear that many people feel it is. Someone mentioned today she tries to keep her Twitter follow list small, because she wants to work on building relationships with people she feels have a contribution to make. I think she has a very valid point. It’s not about how many people subscribe to your blog. It’s not about how many followers you have. It’s about making connections, communication, collaboration. There’s no need to try to “fit in” with the cool folks here. Everyone is pretty cool. So stop trying so hard to get everyone’s attention all the time. Just get in and start having some conversations. It’s a much more fulfilling approach and you’ll be surprised how many new opportunites come your way. 

So that’s my rant…I feel better now. If you’re still here, thanks for sticking around till the end. Tell the ones that didn’t make it to here that it wasn’t so bad… :-)

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