One of the things I love best about social media is that it allows people to be infinitely helpful. People’s genuine desire to be helpful helped us raise over $100,000 for 12for12k.org last year. Helpful people, many whom I have never met in person, have gotten me through complex technical challenges without giving a second thought. I’ve learned to be a better businessperson, a better marketer, and a better producer from those who so generously bring their wisdom, for free, on their own time, through their blogs, podcasts and other efforts. And, I have had tremendous opportunities to return the favour, too.

As I’ve expressed in my last couple of posts, there’s some disconcerting behaviour happening. I had to air my concerns, because I really think that some people are taking advantage of this culture of openness, helpfulness, and freeness, and we are running the risk of losing the community of trust and authenticity that we’ve worked so hard to build over the past few years.

The first step is admitting we have a problem. Look, it’s not in my nature to complain, and I feel as if my last couple of posts have been kind of ‘bitchy’. I’m a solutions oriented person. I focus on the positive. That means I’m thinking about ways we can continue to scale our efforts without drowning in a sea of demands, be helpful without giving everything away, and still run businesses that are fulfilling and profitable. But in order to do this, we need to identify that there is an issue. That what’s happening out here is really happening. That the media makers, like you and me, are growing tired and frustrated by the culture of entitlement we’re seeing and experiencing. That if we don’t watch out, we’re going to reach a breaking point soon, and the end result will be faith lost in the medium that we know so well and love so much.

So what’s a blogger to do? I think it’s time to go back to basics, honestly. I had a realization the other day. I was sitting here, fuming, frustrated by the constant poking and prodding coming at me through the pipe. I felt out of control. And then it dawned on me…it wasn’t the stream that was out of control…it was me. I had let the noise threshold rise and rise and forgot to cap it. It was akin to how my office desk sometimes gets (well, sort of how it is now, actually). Full of papers and junk and cameras and books and pencils and cats. Closing me in, leaning on me, even. But I realized that I HAVE CONTROL OF MY STREAM. At all times. I can set filters on my email. I can purge my Google Reader. I can unfollow people on Twitter, or manage lists more wisely. I can hit that little “x” and turn it all off for a while, too. And you know what? We all have those options. The world is not going to end if you have less information coming at you. Trust me.

Open door policies revisited. When I worked in the corporate world, all of my managers had “open-door” policies. Most of them never abided by it. They wanted you to “think” they were accessible, but really, they couldn’t be bothered to keep their door open, or to be helpful if you needed it. So after a while, you’d just stop trying. However, one of my former bosses, Andrew, had it right. Andrew was not your typical boss. He worked very hard, and he always seemed to know more than the other managers what was going on. It was his job to make the right decisions for the department. And the only way he could do this was by talking to us. Because we were in the trenches. We were doing the day to day tasks to move the projects forward. If he wasn’t checking in with us, then he couldn’t make decisions, he couldn’t identify and mitigate risks, and he couldn’t celebrate achievements. So, to facilitate this, his door was actually always open. He was always having conversations with the staff, and anyone could pop in and join the discussion. He was open, accessible, and most of all, helpful. But it was for a reason – there was a payoff on both sides. I could go about my business knowing I was being listened to, and he was getting the information he needed to do his job better.

Perhaps we can take a page from Andrew’s book on this one. Open doors in social media are a very good thing. Being helpful is what makes this space tick. But many of us are being blindly helpful, keeping our door open 24/7, inviting everyone in, and extending a hand to whoever knocks. It’s not scaleable, and ultimately, it’s not useful. Why? Because if you’re not getting some sort of payoff, then you’re going to get frustrated. If you’re helping people for the sake of helping, you’re going to be bombarded by people who are just taking advantage of your generosity, and then you’ll be forced, like so many of my managers from days gone by, to retreat to your corner and close the door and never come out. And that’s not helpful to anyone.

Honestly, I’m just thinking out loud here. Social media is still in its infancy. It’s barely walking yet. The rest of the world has still not really caught on. So, if we are having trouble scaling now, when only a small percentage of the people have come to the party, what’s going to happen when everyone shows up?

We’ve got to figure it out.

Your turn.

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Just recently,  our company passed its 2nd anniversary (in its current, full time version – we ran as a part time entity for 4 years prior to that). We’ve come a long, long way in 2 years. We’ve surpassed many of our expectations and are on a course now to exceed even more over the next little while. It’s exciting, exhilarating, and scary as crap. I’ve been doing a bit of reflecting lately on what I’ve learned over the past couple of years, and I’m in the mood today to share some of these things.

Too few new entrepreneurs share their lessons with each other. It IS scary striking out on your own. It IS risky. You ARE going to make plenty of mistakes. But for some reason, many of us feel like we need to keep our fears to ourselves. That if we don’t ever say we’ve made a mistake or ten, then somehow we are stronger. In fact, I think the opposite is true. So, here are a couple of things I’ve learned so far.

Get Over Yourself. I used to be the kind of person that took EVERYTHING personally. If a clerk in a store was snarky to me, I’d worry about what I’d done to tick them off. Heaven forbid one of my friends or colleagues should disagree with me; I’d feel bad about it for DAYS!

When you are running a company, people are going to disagree with you every day. Lots of people are going to try and shoot you down. Others are going to talk behind your back. People will say no to you a lot. The last thing on earth that you should do in any of these situations is take it personally. I’ve learned that taking things personally is actually a sign of self-centeredness. If you stop taking things personally, a really cool thing happens. You are able to start seeing the other person’s perspective. And then, you are able to make rational choices based on that. Suddenly, the naysayers and backstabbers don’t matter anymore. And the people saying no, start to say yes.

Ask for Help. I was just about to start in on this entrepreneurial adventure full time when I met the person who was responsible for introducing me to all of this social media stuff. He’s a super busy guy, but he spent a lot of time giving me snippets of advice, feedback on what I was doing, and basically just being encouraging and supportive. For that, I’m infinitely grateful. I remember one day I was struggling with something. It was a technology issue, and I wasn’t sure how I was going to overcome it. I was terrified that my project was going to fail because of it. I sent a message to my friend, to ask his advice. He said something really simple – “why don’t you ask Twitter?” Seems obvious now, however Twitter was pretty new to me (and everyone) two years ago. Always ahead of his time though, my buddy had already figured out the power of the network. I did as he suggested, and posted a message. Within minutes I had advice, contacts, and was on the road to a solution. I wrote back to my friend and said “Wow! It worked!”. He replied with a bit of advice that has stuck with me to this day:

“You have a whole network of people available to you now. Use it.”

Never, ever, ever, ever be afraid to ask for help when you need it. Successful business ventures are successful because there are PEOPLE behind them. You can’t and don’t (and shouldn’t) possess every skill you need to accomplish everything you need to do. A good leader is someone who can surround herself with good people. Hire people who are better at what they do than you are. Ask your network for advice, contacts, or just their opinion. But don’t forget to give advice and help and time when asked, too (because nobody likes a Needy Nelly). We now have instant access to more help and advice and resources than ever. Use your network. It works. And your business will be better for it.

That’s what I’ve learned – what about you?

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One of the hardest things for me to do is to say “no” to people. It gets me in all sorts of trouble, too. I get over-committed, over-booked, over-stressed in an effort to please everyone all the time.

It’s a common problem – I know lots of people for whom saying “no” is the worst thing they could possibly do. However, there are times when saying “no” is exactly what I need to do. The crazy thing is, 99.9% of the times I have ever said “no” to someone, it’s totally okay. There’s none of the backlash, hurt feelings, and disappointment that I often make up in my own head.

As I get more busy in my business, my personal life and as I continue to grow my online network, I find I am having to say “no” more often. Don’t get me wrong…I have absolutely no issue with helping people when they ask me for it. In fact, I enjoy helping people. That’s why I do it. But there comes a point, where, if it’s too much for me to balance with my job, my family etc., that I have to say that nasty “no”.

I’ve learned that there are techniques for saying “no” gracefully. And the number one way to say “no” to someone nicely is to communicate with them. Seems kind of backwards, since you’re trying to NOT have to do something, but communication is the vital key.

Don’t Ignore. Ignoring and avoidance is the worst thing you can do. The problem with ignoring someone when you should be saying “no” to them is that they think you don’t care. If someone sends you a request or asks you a favour and you just can’t accommodate, better to send a polite response saying why you are unable to fulfill their request than not to respond at all.

What if Volume is an Issue? Feeling overwhelmed by all the people wanting a piece of you? We’ve all been there. I have weeks where my inbox is chock full of people wanting something from me. My voice mail is also full. It’s pretty overwhelming, and my first instinct is to run away and hide. How to deal with volume requests? Well, I hooked up AwayFind on my email, that at least helps me to determine what requires my urgent attention and what doesn’t. But the man who has this one cased is the inimitable Gary Vaynerchuk. You see, if you send Gary an email, he sends you an automated reply. Now, before you go getting all bent out of shape about automated replies..check out what he sends:

Hey, here’s a link that will explain everything!

http://tv.winelibrary.com/garyvs-inbox

Thank you
Gary Vaynerchuk

Click on the link. You get Gary, on a video, explaining how he deals with email, and asking for people’s help in helping him manage his correspondence. He provides contacts for all his online outposts, and contacts for his “people” too. He is saying “no”, and doing it in a personable, polite way.

Delegate delegate delegate. Trying to keep up with responding to everything all the time is impossible if you’re super busy. So find ways to filter information to people who can more easily and quickly help. In essence, what you are doing here is saying “No, I can’t help you, but I’m referring you to this person who I trust to help you.” Of course, you want to make sure that the person you are delegating to is available and willing to say “yes”. Delegation is hard to do – but it’s worth it, always. Just make sure that you have people you absolutely trust on board…because every time you delegate, it’s still your reputation that’s on the line.

So there you have it – these are a few interesting ways that I’ve learned about how to politely decline. We all have times that we have to say “no” to people, and it’s never easy. Please share some techniques that you use when you need to say “no” in the comments.

Oh, and by the way – if you say “no” to someone politely and they get mad at you, start flaming you, or have an otherwise negative reaction, before you feel bad about it…consider whether they were worth helping in the first place.

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