About 10 years ago, I used to hang out at a little pub in my neigbourhood. It was walking distance from my house, and I would say that I was probably there at least 2 or 3 times a week. Often more. Sometimes I’d just stop in after work for half an hour, sometimes I’d be there the whole evening.

At the time, I was single, lived alone, and was extremely independent. I worked hard at my job and I liked it. I had plenty going for me, so you would think that slumming around some bar was not exactly a healthy thing to be doing so often. But hanging out there had very little to do with drinking for me.

I’d walk in this place and no matter what time of day it was, there was always someone there that I knew. I could strike up a conversation with anyone. We talked about everything. Neigbourhood gossip, world events, local news, or just what was going on in our lives. If I was having a bad day, I could show up there, chit chat with one of my bar buddies and inevitably I’d feel better. If I had a problem, there ways always someone there who could listen and help.

It was the kind of place where everyone was accepted for who they were. There were the loud and boisterous types who always just wanted to have a good time, nothing too serious. There was the kinda creepy but harmless guy at the end of the bar who just sat, observing what was going on around him. There were the essentials, the barflys who always sat on the same stool, drinking the same kind of beer, who spent the afternoons and evenings holding court. And there were those who you could grab a table with and spend hours having enlightening conversations.

Sure, there were conflicts. Heated conversation would sometimes lead to arguments, fueled by beer. Someone would hear about a situation that happened to a regular and the gossip mill would start to grind in a big way. Everybody would spend days talking about it, but eventually it would fade away.

This little pub was my community in those days. It was someplace I could go and feel like I was contributing, engaging with other people, and it was piles of fun. Sure, I had a life outside that place – lots of friends who weren’t from there, a great family and a work life that was completely separate. But I always knew my community was there, that I could drop into any time I liked, and that I’d be welcome.

Not unlike the online social network, don’t you think?

Photo by mindexpansi0n at MorgueFile.

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Social networks are fascinating. They are made up of all kinds of people, from all walks of life, brought together out of a shared interest or interests, into a big pot of text, audio and video soup. Sure, there are plenty of people who have become good friends on the Internet…fallen in love, even. Heck, I met my husband online! So I know that it IS a great way to meet and foster important relationships with other people.

But those aren’t the relationships I’m speaking of. I’m talking about people who may share a common interest, but may not see it the same way. These are people that  would probably not socialize in person…they are too different. It’s those differences of opinion that keep the conversation interesting. It’s impassioned, intelligent people talking about things that matter most to them.

There are many techniques for expressing differences of opinion, and strategies for debating, even arguing effectively. Toastmasters comes to mind as an organization that promotes effective debating skills. I’ve been noticing lately that although some people are extremely skilled at debate, argument, opinions, whatever you want to call them (Leo Laporte and his TWIT crew come immediately to mind), others are maybe not so skilled. After reading endless posts and videoblogs about the Sarah Lacy interview, and then today coming across the Duncan Riley/FriendFeed posts, I realized that maybe some people are not quite so skilled at expressing an opinion and perhaps more importantly, listening to other people’s opinions. When this happens, it ends up becoming nothing more than a defensive bitchfest. It becomes about one group of people being right and another group being wrong. It becomes more than a debate…it becomes a conflict. The point is, debate and opinion are positive forces that contribute to the overall good experience of being involved in the social network. Conflict is a negative force that causes defensiveness, overactive egos and hurt feelings. In extreme cases, it causes wars.

I am the last person who wants to do anything to disrupt the free flow of opinion, debate and conversation that makes the social network so powerful. However I’d like to propose the following list, to serve as a set of guidelines for people who want to debate, share opinions and, even argue without getting mired in conflict.

Proposed Rules of Engagement for the Social Network

1. Respect the opinions of the community. You don’t have to agree with everyone, and nobody has to agree with you. Be OK with that.
2. Listen to what others have to say before getting defensive. Sometimes there’s a lesson in other people’s critiques.
3. Don’t call people names. It’s just cheap.
4. Everyone is good at something. Figure out what you are good at and don’t knock other people if they aren’t good at it too.
5. Be encouraging. Don’t discourage.
6. Pick your battles.
7. If someone is spreading mean or hateful messages about someone or something, it’s the responsibility of the community to try to stop them. Don’t tolerate hate.

I want to hear from you. Do you agree with this or disagree? Do you think it goes too far, or is it necessary in order to maintain the health of the community?

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